


Everything To Me

by theArcane



Series: Destiel AUs/Oneshots [10]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive John Winchester, Angel Castiel (Supernatural), Bisexual Dean Winchester, Blow Jobs, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Castiel in the Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), Dean Winchester Has Internalized Homophobia, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Domestic Castiel/Dean Winchester, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Repressed Dean Winchester, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, Hunter Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing, Light Angst, M/M, Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), Not Canon Compliant, POV Castiel (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-14 21:54:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28677735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theArcane/pseuds/theArcane
Summary: Cas feels that he is unworthy, unloved. Because his boyfriend, Dean, the emotionally repressed bisexual, does not know how to appreciate him enough. One day, Castiel finally loses it and Dean realizes it's time to get his shit together and show Cas how much he really loves him.ORDean Winchester worshipping Cas to show him how much he loves him.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Destiel AUs/Oneshots [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2071791
Comments: 9
Kudos: 83





	Everything To Me

Cas was tired. Of everything. And everyone. He hated bragging about himself or thinking he was worth more than he deserved but he knew that the water was up to his neck now. 

As usual, he had saved everyone's asses on the hunt today. It was always the same case - either him or Jack had to step in last minute to save the boys and what do they get in return? A half assed smile from Sam saying _thank you_ and a grunt and a nod from Dean. 

He knew his boyfriend had trouble expressing himself; hell the first time Cas had told him _I love you_ , after about an year of dating, Dean had started sweating hard and then muttered Sa _me_ , before running out of the room shouting something like smelling smoke coming from the kitchen. Of course, there had been no smoke. In fact, no one was even cooking anything. Cas didn't point it out though. At least he had gotten a _same_ , it was more than he had ever expected. 

Cas sighed. He loved Dean. He truly did. But sometimes he wished Dean would exceed expectations, rather than surprise him by fulfilling them. Like whenever Cas reached out for Dean's lips in public, he pulled away so fast, looking around him to see if anyone noticed. He tried to appease Cas by holding his hand. In those times, Cas convinced himself that he should be grateful for this. For even this.

He threw the angel blade on the bedside table and started undressing himself. He wondered what he would do tonight. It wasn't like he could sleep. He didn't want to sleep with Dean either. He had to admit, Dean covered in blood after a hunt, looked _hot_. Cas always insisted to wash his blood off himself and Dean let him. But tonight, when Dean gestured him to step inside in his room for their ritual shower with his usual smirk, Cas had told him straightaway that he was too tired today to take care of him. The way the smirk was wiped right off Dean's face gave Cas some weird satisfaction. 

He sat down on the bed, staring at the TV before him. He could feel tears welling up in his eyes, all satisfaction gone. He missed Dean already. Maybe he should go back to him, wash his tiredness away. Dean deserved that. He deserved better than Cas. 

He wiped his eyes and got off the bed. He should go and apologize to Dean. Just because Dean kept pushing him away, doesn't mean Cas should too. Someone should hold them together.

Before he could reach his door, it bust open and inside stepped the silhouette of his boyfriend- Dean Winchester. He looked like he had taken a shower already. _Guess where Cas wasn't needed anymore again?_

"Dean..?" 

Dean closed the door behind him and approached Cas. 

"What are you doing here?" Cas asked, involuntarily taking a step back. 

Dean raised an eyebrow. "I am not allowed inside my boyfriend's room?" 

"No, it's just that.. I told you I am tired today." Cas said. The usual smug look on Dean's face made him forget all about _holding them together_. 

"What are you gonna do? _Sleep?_ " Dean clapped him on the shoulder and walked away to hop on his bed.

Cas turned around to watch Dean extend his legs before him and take the remote in his hand. The TV started blaring loudly. 

"Dean, I told you. I am not in the mood for this today." 

"Whatcha mean, babe? We are _always_ in the mood for it." Dean said, not taking his eyes off the TV. 

Cas walked over to him. "Listen, I just..I need," He sighed. "I just need some alone time today." 

"Why?" Dean asked absentmindedly, busy laughing at a stupid cartoon on TV. 

Sometimes, humans really got on Castiel's nerves. And this one, _his_ human, the most of all. "Dean!" He took,no snatched the remote out of his hands and switched off the blaring machine.

Dean gave him a scandalised look. "What's gotten in your pants today, man?" 

"I was _talking_ to you!" 

"And I was listening!" 

"Like hell you weren't." 

Dean looked at him for a long moment, and then the anger dissolved from his face. He stood up to face the angel. "A'right talk to me. Tell me what's wrong?" 

There was a tenderness in his face, which Cas has seen before, but not as often as he would like to. Dean giving him that look when he was already feeling vulnerable tonight didn't help with the tears. He prayed they wouldn't creep out of his eyes. 

"Nothing." He said, turning his face away from Dean's piercing gaze. "Nothing's wrong." 

"Cas." Dean said softly, lowering his eyes to make Cas meet his own. "It's me, baby. Tell me." 

Cas again took a step back. He could feel his throat choking up. "I.. can't. Not with you." He was pretty sure that the hunter will make fun of him if he finds out that the only reason Cas was feeling down was because his boyfriend didn't appreciate him enough. 

"Why not?" Dean took a step forward. There was a small crack in his voice, that any mortal would not be able to hear. But the angel did. Dean sounded as broken as Cas felt. "Am I not enough?" 

Cas finally looked at him. "That's the point, Dean. You are enough for me. You are always enough for me. But the other way around.. I am _not_." 

Dean stood silent for a few moments. The crack in his voice could easily be heard by any mortal now. "What makes you think that?" 

"Do you really want me to say it?" 

"Damn it, Cas. Just freaking tell me what did I do wrong!" 

Dean's voice was raised only by a few decibels, but it was enough to make Cas flinch. He didn't want to make him angry. He didn't want to push Dean to a point from where he will never come back to him again. 

Cas kept stepping back, his mind fogging with the thoughts of Dean leaving. For every step he took backwards, Dean took one forward. He was not letting Cas go. He was not letting Cas retreat into himself. 

Dean grabbed his face in his hands and stopped Cas from moving away further. If the angel wanted, he could have blasted the hunter a hundred feet away. But Dean made him weak. He couldn't push him away. 

"Cas, look at me baby." Dean said, his voice punctured with his own sobs. "I am sorry. Whatever I did, I am sorry."

"Go away." Cas muttered feebly, his tears quoting his cheeks like rain. "Go away."

"No. Don't make me go away, just tell me. We can fix this." 

His words resonated in Cas' mind from years ago. _We can fix this! Dean, it's not broken._ But it was. Why was it broken? Why can't they fix this? _Because it requires Dean to fix this._ A small voice said inside Cas' head. 

"I can't, Dean." Cas said as his tears finally stopped and he wrenched himself free of Dean's grip. "I can't fix it, unless you can." 

"What are you talking about?" 

Cas sighed and wiped away the dried tears from his face. "I told you, I am not enough for you, Dean. I do everything for you. I made my whole life revolve around you and you, you are embarassed to even hold my hand in public. You are ashamed of me. I come through everytime for you. Whatever messes you and Sam land yourselves into. And at the end of the day, what do I get from you? Nothing! You come to me when you need a good _fuck,_ " Dean visibly flinched at the word. "and sometimes I think that maybe that's all I am to you." Cas couldn't believe that he had finally said it all aloud. In a way, it felt good.

"Cas, I.." Dean rubbed his forehead. "Fuck.. I didn't know..shit.. I made you feel this way."

Cas stood silently. It was his turn to watch his boyfriend retreat into himself. But he didn't stop him. He realized he has to Dean has to climb out on his own this time.

Dean took a deep breath. "It's not your fault, a'right? None of this is." 

"You always make me feel like it is mine." Cas muttered. 

"It's not, okay?" Dean said firmly. "All this.. I don't kiss you or do other romantic shit because.. shit, I don't know, Cas. Whenever I think about someone seeing us kissing outside, my mind flashed back to the my Dad screaming _fag!_ at this gay couple we once saw at a bar and I keep thinking what if someone calls us that? _I_ can hear all kinds of names, but I can't bear anyone calling you anything like that."

"Dean I didn't know that." Cas said slowly, wrapping his fingers around Dean's arm. 

"No wait, I am not done yet. You don't know how grateful I am for you, Cas. I thank my stars everyday. Hell, I _question_ my stars everyday, thinking about why would someone as celestial and powerful as you would fall for someone like me. And everyday I wake up scared, thinking that you won't be there on my bed. That you have finally realized that you can do better. But you are _there_ , Cas. Every morning, you are there. And I feel so ashamed for behaving like.. like a young, virginal _bride_. And I guess this is why part of me feels afraid to say those emotions out loud. I am not ashamed of you. I am ashamed of me." 

"Dean, I am sorry. I made it all about me, when I never understood you."

Dean shook his head. "No. No. This _has_ to be about you, Cas. You do everything for me, and what do you get? _Nothing_. You give and give and all I do is take."

"That's not true.." Cas' words were cut off as Dean pulled him close to kiss him. He sucked on his lips hopelessly. 

"You think I don't appreciate you?" Dean said, on between kisses. "You don't know how grateful I am for these lips. Because they fit perfectly in mine." Cas moaned into Dean's mouth at those words. 

Dean pulled away to move his lips lower. "Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?" 

"My vessel.."

" _Not_ your vessel." They both said at the same time. 

Dean continued. "I have seen Jimmy Novak. He is plain. You, on the other hand," He sucked a sensitive spot on the angel's neck. "Every time I look at you, I forget to breathe. Just for a moment," He lapped his tongue on his collarbone. "but I _forget_ , Cas." 

Cas pushed his head back and let Dean's words take him. Dean slowly backed them into a wall. Cas was grateful for the support on his back. He felt like he could fall any moment. 

"Every part of you," Dean started unbuttoning his shirt. "always begging to be touched, to be ravished." His lips found his chest. "If only you would let me." 

"Dean.." Cas mumbled, brushing his fingers through the hunter's short hair. 

" _Why_ babe?" Dean kept lowering his head his tongue trying to reach every part of Cas. "Why did you let me do all this to you?"

Cas could feel his heart sinking at those words. It was never broken and still, Dean was fixing it.

"Why do you let me take everything?" Dean whispered against his stomach. 

"I love you." Cas closed his eyes. "I am never leaving you. I love you so much." 

He didn't open his eyes to see Dean's face. He still expected him to bolt and run. But he could still feel him. Feel the burn his stubble on his stomach. Hear the gentle thud as his knees hit the floor. Feel his fingers fumble with his belt.

His eyes flew open as he realized what Dean was about to do. _Was this his way of saying_ _the words back_ _?_

He grabbed Dean's hair firmly to stop him from opening Cas' zipper. "You don't have to do this." 

Dean looked at him with all the earnestness in his bottle green eyes. He whispered, "I want to." 

"You don't have to prove me anything Dean. Just because you can't say it, does not mean you have to show it." 

For a moment they stayed like that. The hunter on his knees, about to worship his angel who won't let him. 

"Cas." 

"What?" 

"I love you."

And even though angels can't breathe, Cas finally learned what it felt like to be breathless. "What?" 

"I love you." Dean gently pulled Cas' hand from his hair and took it into his own, intertwining their fingers together. "I am saying it and I will _show_ it. You just have to let me." 

The steel blue eyes finally melted under the gaze of the soft green ones and his hand reached for his zipper. Dean gave him a small smile before going down to work.

Castiel once again threw his head back and let himself drown in the essence of Dean Winchester. _I love you_ , they whispered to each other again. They kept whispering it all night.

**Author's Note:**

> Dang I hope it wasn't too sappy? 
> 
> Anyways, please leave kudos or comments if you liked it ♥️♥️


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